Getting With The Program - A liberal's guide for how to move forward in 2025.

Okay, folks...we've had our little pity party. It's March already, and I for one have managed to finally rise out that fetal position I've been clinched in for months. The snow and ice have melted, and this Sunday morning's bright sun shines a light on a humanity that I don't yet fully recognize. But I'm adapting.

Acceptance has been excruciatingly difficult for me, but I believe it has come. I have turned it over to a higher power. I'm taking personal inventory. I'm finally ready to make amends with those I've hurt. My regret for being so misinformed runs deep, and I may spend the rest of my life making up for it. But as the 12 steps have taught me, we take it one little step at a time.

After much meditation and, of course, prayer, I believe I'm ready to take the next step. Today, I get with the program. And...oh boy...there's so so much I need to do to reenter society. So as I pour the day's first cup of coffee, I shall plan the small steps in my journey.

I shall make a list....

-spike morning coffee [HA! checked that one already]

-buy handgun

-file fraudulent tax return

-don’t pay the pool guy or the pest guy until they both literally go out of their minds, then only pay half

-cheat on wife

-stop the oppressive tyranny of plastics recycling

-tell woke asshole neighbor to f#*k himself

-sexually assault a stranger

-convert entire 401K to Tesla stock

-seduce hot women parishioners at church

-bang a 17 year old

-obtain conceal carry permit (or f#*k it....just carry)

-end all charitable contributions. demand st jude say thank you and provide me free saltines and lorna doones for life

-ask all friends to sign an iron-clad NDA

-dump expired chemicals in woke asshole neighbors yard

-trick out car with profane bumper stickers

-start saying “faggot”, “spic”, and “retard” again

-buy a fighting dog

-sue someone just for laughs

-key woke asshole neighbors car

-Assign 1-10 hotness factor to daughter's female friends

-download Rosetta Stone, learn conversational Russian

-demand loyalty from the kid who cuts my grass

-organize a neighborhood militia, start randomly wearing an eyepatch

-terrorize an abortion clinic

-drop an ICE dime on my ex-housekeeper

-search MeetUp for next meeting of local oligarchs

-disrupt local school board meetings by repeatedly barking out"woke"

-create files on friends, document embarasing dirt, leverage to get free shit

-purge woke bibles, buy Trump Bible (I hear there’s a surprise ending)

Well, it's a start. Rome wasn't built in a day. Enlightenment isn't a destination, it's a journey, and I encourage all of my liberal friends to end all resistance and take it with me.

Let's walk in love together, dear friends. Let's finally end this civil war and assimilate, as we ultimately know we must. And we can support each other on this journey. But if you're just not quite ready to get wtih the program, then F*%K YOU, YOU WOKE PIECE OF S*%T.