Rebranding the NFL

Boy, has society changed! And our beloved NFL must change with it. Out with the Lions and Tigers and Bears! Next week the league will unveil a bold rebranding campaign with new franchise names - names that reflect the true essence of what we’ve become.

Here’s a sneak peak….

1. Washington Commanders (seriously?)

We’ll give the commies a mulligan here…social media’s been brutal enough. Say hello to the Washington Gridlock, a team with an ineffective offense and a defense singularly focused on ensuring the other team’s offense can’t get anything done. The Gridlock’s philosophy is that winning is great, but the other guy winning is simply unacceptable. This team will be defined not by wins or losses, but TIES. Nobody ever wins, and THAT sad fact is always the other teams fault.

2. Denver Broncos

It all started with the great state of Colorado. So now that it’s legal, we introduce the Denver High. Mile HIGH stadium will offer a whole new fan experience with Doobie & Brownie® concessions and weekend-long Grateful Dead tailgates. Manic screaming will be replaced with a friendlier, more inclusive vibe as totally baked fans talk, nap, and laugh incoherently through the games’ most intense moments.

3. Arizona Cardinals

Introducing the ultra-fortified Arizona Wall, a team that promises to enforce its southern goal like no other. Expect a strong police presence at every game so that only documenteds get in to enjoy this great, America-First team. And when their goal line defense lines up on that coveted south end, the orders are always shoot-to-kill!

4. Miami Dolphins

Leading the charge against COVID government overreach, the league introduces the Miami Superspreaders. Hard Rock Stadium plans to increase capacity to 130,000 by moving the seats closer. And masks…really?  Fans lucky enough to live through the pandemic promise to be the most herd immune base anywhere.

5. Seattle Seahawks

From the city that revolutionized coffee in America, the ‘Hawks reinvent themselves as the Seattle Latte, a jittery team that overwhelms opponents with red-eyed, relentlessly hyper-caffeinated aggressiveness. Between the Venti and Grande blitz packages and the turbo-charged Double-Espresso two-minute drills, this team keeps the steaming hot coffee metaphors frothing.

6. San Francisco 49ers

Right on the edge of progressive social change, the city by the bay sheds its old gold rush roots to become the San Francisco (they/them), the first NFL team to welcome gay, lesbian, queer, non-binary, and gender-fluid athletes just looking for a safe place to joyfully catch, throw, block, and tackle each other. (they/them) players even get their own personal pronouns on their helmets.  

7. Las Vegas Raiders

In trying to leverage the city’s rich history in casino and sex-workers, they quite unexpectedly landed upon this: The Las Vegas Free Britneys.  Ms. Spears’, having recently won liberation from her conservatorship, returns to Sin City for a blockbuster 10-year residency of her own choosing.

8. Buffalo Bills

Not really sure if Bill Cody was ever relevant to the civic history of Buffalo. What is 7. relevant? Chicken Wings. So, say hello to the Buffalo Wild Wings, a partnership with the Buffalo Wild Wings® restaurant franchise that strives to enhance the cold-weather fan experience with unlimited celery and bleu cheese.

9. Indianapolis Colts

Football is here to stay in the Bible Belt. “The temperate retain their self-control to compete for an imperishable crown” (1 Cor 9:25). And make no mistake, the Indianapolis Evangelicals will ultimately prevail, because they believe their victory is God’s will. As they take Pence Field with prayerful focus, they’ll be sure to avoid the salacious worldly triggers that will doom their wicked opponents…like having to play San Francisco.

10. Minnesota Vikings

The state of 10,000 lakes looks to put Lief Erickson aside and cash in on all that civic goodwill from Derrick Chauvin and Kyle Rittenhouse. Welcome into the arena the Minnesota Malice, a team that will beat you down until you lose the will to compete. Tacklers strip both your football AND your civil rights. The Malice will proudly lead the league in taunting penalties as their fans chant “YOU CAN’T BREATHE.” They’ll be the first NFL team to wear body cams, which mysteriously turn off right before the hit.

11. Los Angeles Rams

This year’s Super Bowl champs haven’t seen an actual ram within 1,000 miles of the City of Angels. To find their new inspiration, you need look no further than the notorious corner of Florence and Normandie. The LA Riots look to continue their winning ways by smashing out opponent’s storefronts and just taking victory. Count on the Riot to heat up early in games, usually after a bullshit call. Then, well…opponents might do better to just shelter in place.

12. Houston Texans

Back in the day it was the old AFLs Houston Oilers. Since they slithered off to Tennessee, the oil business has changed radically. No wind farms or solar panels required to fire up these new-look Houston Frackers, a team that promises to hydroblast their way through the competition. What this team lacks in progressive playmaking, they more than make up for with a breath-taking (literally) carbon footprint.

13-16. Cleveland Browns / Chicago Bears / New York Jets / Detroit Lions

Years of neglect have left these ne’er-do-wells hopelessly ill-equipped to compete in society. So the NFL lays out the social safety net by agreeing to buy the Bears, Browns, Jets and Lions and relaunch them as non-profits: So open your hearts to the Chicago Hope, Cleveland Cares, NYJ-AID and Save Detroit. Spot them 7 points to start every game. Forgive the first 3 penalties every time out. League-subsidize their salary cap. Let’em draft 1-2-3-4 every year until one of them makes a Super Bowl. Slap a luxury tax on the wealthiest 2% of teams to pay for all of it. And if their spiral of losing persists, increase their benefits.

What’s happened to these fans is heartbreaking. Dial the number below and donate whatever you can. Help rescue a suffering fan (including me) TODAY!

    17. Dallas Cowboys

Where have all the Cowboys gone? Probably to fetch water. While immigrants do all the traditional ranching these days, we turn to the Dallas Drought and pray for some much-needed Texas rain. While this team will get all the water they need to compete, having won just three playoff games in 25 years is the drought that haunts them the most.

   18. Baltimore Ravens

Your team is good but not great - boring!  Why not spice it up with a little manufactured drama to pump up ratings. The mediocre Ravens have agreed to work with the NFL on the first of two hybrid models, merging the team with a new reality TV franchise. Come meet the Real Ballers of Baltimore, where twice a week we check in to find out how Lamar Jackson’s wife was caught with Davonta Freeman at a couples spa, and just how bad that girl gets bitch-slapped.

   19. Kansas City Chiefs

Mahomes and company finally address this powerhouse’s weakest link - It’s politically insensitive name. With the Hunt family’s licensing partnership with the local Kaw Nation secured, the Chief’s re-emerge next season as the Kansas City Indigenous Persons, a team that finally buries the demeaning tomahawk chop. With winning assured on the field for the time being, their new objective is to drain a loyal fanbase of all disposable income via the NFLs first in-stadium casino. Free drinks and tax-free cigarettes help to ensure human ATMs feed Arrowhead around the clock.

   20. Cincinnati Bengals

Last year’s Cinderella takes an exciting new direction on offense with a laser-focused Insta/Twitter trolling campaign targeting upcoming opponents. The Cincinnati Cyberbullies’ innovative new wrinkle is to drive their opponents into clinical depression before the game even starts. Expect other teams to join in if the Bullies keep winning.

  21. Tennessee Titans  

I’m sorry, but Titans is just a dumb name, so 1940s. I like the name Tennessee Bluegrass.  Maybe they get Union Station to play all the halftime gigs.

  22. Philadelphia Eagles

The great irony of the City of Brotherly Love is finally addressed! Everybody knows Eagles fans are the nastiest, always ready with insane death threats for the loser, even when the loser is them. So let’s welcome into the arena the Philadelphia Psychotics, a team that plays like it’s definitely off the meds. While fans enjoy another rowdy ritalin-appreciation Sunday, players on the field get extra police protection.

  23. LA Chargers

This leaves the worldly comforts of SoFi stadium for the nearby Westridge-Canyon Wilderness Park, to embark on a new NFL franchising joint venture with Apple TV. Be sure to add Survivor, LA to your weekly streaming, where these ex-Chargers hone their NFL survival skills deep in the LA wilderness. As new players join the circle, weekly roster cuts will be made by the players themselves. Tune in Sunday nights to see who’s lying about who, which cabal has the real power, and which tiki torch gets snuffed. Somewhere in there they’ll play a football game.

  24. Atlanta Falcons

Atlanta is a team that wins and loses in about equal measure. But when one of those losses is razor close, their motto is…Never Believe The Score! Welcome back to the Georgia Dome, the Atlanta Recount, a team unafraid to hold players and officials on the field for hours after close losses, until EVERY play gets video-reviewed. If they lost by 4, team technicians scour the tape to “just find” that one touchdown needed for victory.

  25. Jacksonville Jaguars / New York Giants

Leave it to Bezos to sweep in and lead the most revolutionary innovation. The Jags and Giants are headed quite literally To The Moon! Both teams royally suck right now, so the NFL is giving them 2022 off for space training. Be sure to get out to the launchpad early and wave to the Jacksonville Jedi’s and New York Sith, the first NFL teams to show us football in 16.7% gravity. With deep balls expected to possibly travel 1.2 miles a toss, Jedi fan fave Trevor Lawrence hopes to eclipse the NFLs career passing yardage record by his second intergalactic game.

  27. Pittsburgh Steelers

Steel isn’t a thing in Pittsburgh any more, sorry to say. Today the city is now known for many other great things….like, for example, inventing Ketchup (or is it Catsup?). So welcome tolunch, the Pittsburgh Ketchup, a name that won’t strike much fear into opponents, but who the hell doesn’t love ketchup?

  28. Carolina Panthers

Welcome back to the land that time forgot (think Jurassic Park). Come see the proud symbols of oppression and exploitation you won’t see anywhere else outside of a museum. Welcome to the NFL the Carolina Confederates, a team with the courage to celebrate its proud past rather than hide from it. No knees taken here. This team and its fans stand straight and salute every Sunday as the ol’ stars-and bars are unfurled.

Note - Carolina announced they will remain in the NFC South pending a move to form an independent football league with the Evangelicals, Wall, Recount and Superspreaders.

  29. Green Bay Packers

With the presumed departure of Aaron Rodgers to the new confederate league, let’s welcome the new, super public health-conscious Green Bay Vaccxers, a team anxious to reintroduce itself as finally 100% vaccine verified! With an opening-day contest vs. Miami scheduled, the Vaccxers’ll need every precious drop.

  30. New Orleans Saints

Devastating hurricanes and epic flooding make the (under sea-level) Big Easy the league’s most hazardous place to work. So, get ready as the NFL embraces the workplace of the future. Take yourself off mute and say hello to the New Orleans Zoomies, the first NFL team that works 100% remote. 5G is all this team needs to execute flawlessly as they independently download from anywhere their personal game stats to a corporate server that instantly updates fantasy leagues all over the world. Most fans don’t watch the games any more. Just get them the data.

  31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Tom Brady has finally retired. Or has he? Surprise - the GOAT is back! But not quite in the way people expected. Tom and Giselle have become the first to purchase an NFL franchise with cryptocurrency. Tom retires the helmet and pads, handsomely tanned and strolling the sidelines in a terry cloth bathrobe and flip-flops, walking Gronk on his leash as the new-look Tampa Bay NFTs embark on next season’s unique, non-fungible fan experience.

  32. New England Patriots

Robert Kraft searched exhaustively for just the right new name for his beloved team, a name that captures everything he loves and stands for. How about the New England Insurrectionists? Maybe the New England Happy-Endings? Ultimately, Kraft concluded the New England Patriots don’t want change. Oh, how their 20-year colonial rule over the AFC assured a glorious stranglehold on power. So this team will stand like the true patriots they are against society’s reckless evolution. These Patriots will recommit themselves to just “doing their job”….videotaping opponents practices, blowing off concussions, deflating footballs…whatever it takes to…Make Football Great Again.